Addressing difficulties in marriage relationships

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Some couples will be more open in addressing difficulties in their relationships, while other couples will deny or pretend everything is pie in the sky and they never have any issues.

Marriage can be likened to a jigsaw puzzle having many components, many diverse issues and many complicated problems happening.  When we find our place in this puzzle, then the marriage comes together as it was meant to be and the two become tightly knitted as one couple, working together towards the best of each other.

I can tell you from 41 years of personal experience in being married and from having conversations with others and from counseling/coaching/mentoring many persons, that we all will have issues and difficulties in marriages.

No one is exempt from this as we are all human and as humans, our greatest conflicts lie in relationship difficulties; whether marriage, dating, friendship, spiritual, vocation, or volunteering.

The thing about living  pretense that things are fine, this is living in denial. Denial stunts and stagnates any possible growth. When a person fails to admit where they are in life and look at the situations or circumstances in regards to the relationships they are in truthfully, bravely and courageously, there can be no forward movement.

The worst denial is when two people pretend they are in a relationship when in fact it is nothing other than twisted, controlling, manipulating and violent means in relating.

Relationships that are having issues have some common core difficulties going on such as: hidden agendas on the part of one or both parties, lies, secrets, dysfunctional patterns have developed in relating and ill intentions not motivated towards sincere and genuine friendship.

This is not a partnership, nor will it ever be one unless BOTH couples come to terms with the facts of what is really happening and both parties are committed in being willing to look at their own roles in accepting responsibility and accountability for what they have done to contribute to the problems making it difficult to get along.

The hardest part of seeing truth in the issues happening in relationships is to acknowledge it.

Acknowledge when things are not working, acknowledge there are issues, and acknowledgement by each person becomes necessary in order to even have any meaningful communication or discussions in regards to the problems.

Realistically viewing and assessing what is going on when relationships are not working means both parties agree to have open and honest communication.

If one or the other are unwilling, then any chance of working out differences will be hindered by the resistance and obstacles that become created by this.

When one or both couples fail to be truthful, honest and open, there can be no intimacy, bonding or partnership. There can be no real relationship and whatever is going on will not be adequately addressed and the coupled will continue to live in a false pretense that everything is ‘fine’.

Acknowledging is only the first step in working out issues when couples are having problems.

Acceptance is the next level of progression when having to see the relationship for what it is, asking yourself, what is the truth, what are the facts and what is the reality?  Then accepting this in order to discover what needs to change and what sort of efforts this will involve.

Each couple must be willing to ask themselves; What is my role in contributing to the problems? What have I been doing or not doing in my attitudes and behaviors that are aiding in causing the friction? What do I need to change in order to make my relationship deeper, more intimate and more of a partnership.

Then each couple must sit down and decide what changes need to be made if they are to remain a couple that desires a closer and more intimate relationship.

Not all relationships are able to succeed in going through this process as either one of both couples will remain closed to any process of change in acknowledging they were at fault.

Marriage relationships are two-way, mutual agreement by two parties to enter into union where they become as one.  Any successful marriage must have at its core foundation an understanding of what friendship, caring, compassion, and what real love is.

Many persons come into a marriage from diverse backgrounds and must learn to live together in all sorts of situations and circumstances and it is not always easy.

Love is not always mushy, romantic, nor is it always filled with a feeling or emotion of happiness. Many couples do not have the foggiest idea or concept of what real love is or what it means to love another person.
Many couples come into a marriage self-centered, carrying baggage from childhood trauma, or having been traumatized and need healing themselves.  I know I came into my own marriage with numerous issues and it was very intense at times until I found my own path to healing which resulted in an understanding of what real love is and how I needed to become this loving person for my husband; his friend, his confident, his trusted source.

Anyhow, step one in confronting any difficulty, issues, or problems going on in marriage relationships has to start with acknowledging there are problems.

Then being realistic about whatever your part has been in creating or contributing to the problem. Then comes to hard part in being willing to change those things; attitudes, habits, behaviors.  Then comes the ‘how’ do I change these?

Sometimes you need a third-party who is neutral to help you work through this process. Whether a trusted friend, relative, minister or professional counselor, there is no shame in reaching out for help when it is needed.

This is part one in a series of addressing difficulties in relationships. Although I am using marriage, the principles can be applied to any sort of relationships as these are basic principles required that help build up, encourage, support and foster mutuality between two persons.

I am putting this under the faith for now as it was through my own spiritual encounter with God who gave me the compassion, caring, and love in myself, necessary for me to truly love my husband.

 

Living Intentionally

Lorraine

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